If Marriages are Made in Heaven ,then Is Divorce Made in Hell? …Continued Impacts of Divorce On Children

The readers of the post are suggested to read my earlier post,the link given below or you can even find this post under the label My Journey of Life.
http://meghanaunleashed.blogspot.com/2009/07/if-marriages-are-made-in-heaven-then-is.html


When a couple decides to end their relationship by the word DIVORCE. Children can often be the most effected by divorce, and recent studies have found that children from broken home are more prone to violence and substance abuse than those from a happy, family home. Divorce will not be easy for a parent; but a parent is a grown adult who has (hopefully) mastered coping skills. Children, on the other hand, are not necessarily as prepared as an adult in this regard. What makes a sad situation even sadder is that parents going through a divorce are usually under so much emotional stress they are able to be of little help to their children. When children are deprived of the emotional support from their parents, they often turn their frustrations on themselves and the people around them. All children are affected by divorce in some way. Their world, their security and the stability they have known seem to fall apart when parents divorce. Children can be severely traumatized by divorce, especially if the divorce is a nasty one, and/or if there is a prolonged or an intense custody battle. With every impact I am including an innocent line of the kid whose parents are divorced.

• They feel helpless and powerless to do anything about the situation.
Feeling of Sadness
"It really hurt. It was hard for me to accept not being able to live in the same house with both parents."

• Sometimes children or teens feel they have to "take care of" one or both of their parents. Giving up one’s childhood to care for emotionally troubled parents is a widespread characteristic in children of divorce.
Forced Adulthood….
"I hate it when my mom asks me how she looks. I don’t like being put in that situation. I wish my dad were here to do it."

• Children who go through a divorce often are impacted in terms of their
self-esteem. They may believe that they themselves caused the divorce, or
that they did something wrong that made mommy and/or daddy want to not be with them.
Feeling Of Guilt
"My dad left because I wanted to ride my bike my way, and I told him to go away. He did and divorced my mom."
"If I had watched my baby brother when my mom was cooking dinner, then my mom wouldn’t have left me dad. It’s all my fault."

• They may worry that their parents don’t love them anymore. They feel abandoned. They feel like the parent has divorced them too.
Feeling of Loneliness
We’re half a family now--lonely."
"Holidays will never be any good any more."

• Children might indulge in alcohol/drug abuse and violence.

• It might lead to isolating themselves from their friends and family
Feeling of Isolation
"Daddy left. Will Mommy leave me too? What will happen to me?"

• They might show destructive behavior and sometimes may indulge in breaking rules
• Children tend to have anger directed toward others and themselves
Feeling of Anger
"I hate my sofa. It’s where my parents told me they were getting a divorce. I’ll never sit on it again."

• In future they might have difficulty in establishing an intimate relationship or other interpersonal relationships.

• They might become moody or silent and loose their naughty childhood early.
Feeling of Shock
"Unable to think, unable to feel, unable to grasp what had happened to their lives. Unable to speak about it."

• Sometimes custody battle leaves life long impact on the immature child’s brain.
Feeling of Torn between parents
"Dad couldn’t really be as bad as Mom says he is."
"I don’t care who I live with. I love you both. Please don’t make me choose--just tell me."

Some Important Reasons for Failure of Marriage

Readers of this post, I would recommend to read my earlier posting 'An Institution Of Marriage' , 'How Can Communication Help In Building a Strong Relationship' and If Marriages are made in heaven, then is Divorce made in Hell ?.These posts you can find under the label My Journey of life.

http://meghanaunleashed.blogspot.com/2009/07/if-marriages-are-made-in-heaven-then-is.html

http://meghanaunleashed.blogspot.com/2009/05/institution-of-marriage.html

http://meghanaunleashed.blogspot.com/2009/05/how-can-communication-help-in-building.html

I would like to recall a famous quote here:

"A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences."

In today’s society we come across couples very often who are not very happy in their married life and sometimes they end up in a divorce. In this post I would like to highlight some of the reasons for the failure in marriage.

• Communication - proper communication is the crux of any good relationship. Only through good communication can we know how and what our partner is feeling. Without open communication between two people we can't possibly know what and to what extent something may be bothering someone.Lack of communication in one of the important reason for an unsuccessful marriage. "Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation."

• The ability to adapt to changes in married life often depends on having realistic expectations about a spouse and the marriage relationship itself. It is common for disillusionment to set in when romantic or other unrealistic expectations are not met. Over time, unmet expectations can generate enough dissatisfaction to make meaningful compromise impossible.

• Many people have a fantasy view of love. Some get married because they feel they have to due to pressure from family or friends. Or they see all of there friends getting married so they feel they should too. So they rush into a marriage prematurely. Others get married because of premarital pregnancy. Couples that are too young and inexperienced who think they are in love will often get married. They may soon realize that they don't truly love this person or they are not mature enough to handle the more difficult relationship problems that may arise in a marriage.

• Couples fail to cope with life’s trials. When painful trials come into the marriage, instead of standing together through them, couples tend to blame each other or think something is wrong with the spouse and the way they handle the pain.

• Work and home schedules are not always compatible. Time spent apart and times spent together are equally important for maintaining a good married relationship. When time is used in a balanced way, it results in opportunities for growth and harmony. A lot of time spent alone without a corresponding period of quality time spent together puts a lot of stress on a marriage.

• In today’s fast world everybody wants to achieve more in less time and effort, which leads to high expectations. Also now the society is becoming more materialistic and in this race for fulfilling materialistic dreams couples end up in conflicts.

If Marriages are made in heaven, then is Divorce made in Hell ?

To readers of this post,I would recommend to read my earlier posting 'An Institution Of Marriage' and 'How Can Communication Help In Building a Strong Relationship'?.You can find these posts in Archive May 09 or even under the label My Journey Of Life


Divorce, the word that was taboo till sometime back, has today become the easiest solution for people having problems in marital life. Slightest tensions, slightest arguments and married couples are ready to go their separate ways. Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of a marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between two persons. Divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. With globalization, of course, the developing and under developed countries are catching up. The Common reasons of Divorce are:


• Lack of communication between spouses
• Infidelity
• Abandonment
• Alcohol Addiction
• Substance Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Inability to manage or resolve conflict
• Personality Differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
• Differences in personal and career goals
• Financial problems
• Different expectations about household tasks
• Different expectations about having or rearing children
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Lack of maturity
• Intellectual Incompatibility
• Sexual Incompatibility
• Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth
• Falling out of love
• Religious conversion or religious beliefs
• Cultural and lifestyle differences
• Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies
• Mental Instability or Mental Illness
• Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime
• Nosy Mother in Law (This reason is seen more in eastern countries where the concept of joint family is still prevailing)
• Venereal Disease

There are some reasons where Divorce is unavoidable. But there are lots and lots of reasons that can be sorted out among couples.

• Respect your marriage and work together as a team. Divorce may be the easy way out of frustrating relationship, but staying married is worth the effort.
• It’s well said “When people get married because they think it's a long-time love affair, they'll be divorced very soon, because all love affairs end in disappointment. But marriage is recognition of a spiritual identity.”
• A good marriage is the union of two forgivers. Remember the three "F"s in a successful marriage.
"F"riendship
"F"reedom
"F"orgiveness
You are each others "F"riend, give each other "F"reedom and "F"orgive each other at times.

To conclude, Heaven and Hell are two states of mind. When you marry you become happy feels like heaven and when it comes to divorce then we feel sorrow then it feels like Hell. Just to recall one of my favorite quote here,

“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”

What is Love ?

An extremely powerful emotion is love, a sense of strong affection. Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. My experience of life taught me some meanings of love.

• Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
• Love is when mummy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
• Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day
• If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours
• Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever.

• When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
• Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs
• Love is when your father tastes the apple from the corner before giving it to his daughter.
• Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday.
• Love is not you find. Love is something that finds you.
• You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
• The couple that fights the most is the one most in love... it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring.
• Give two red roses to your beloved, each with a note. The first note says for the woman I love and the second, for my best friend.
• Some say love is life, but love without hope and faith is an agonizing death

Attitude...........

What I have learn t from life…………..
‘Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.’

We carry our attitude around like a pair of glasses that tints our perception to the world. Our experiences, education and personality shape your attitude to everything around us. Our tinted glasses will affect our behavior, thinking & our feelings. We can take good care of our body by eating right food, exercise but do we actually take care of mind? Our attitude plays a vital role in taking care of our minds.

• A let go attitude on the negative situation. Moving forward & letting positive things come to your life.
• As we progress in life it is usually necessary for us to change some of our attitudes in order to adjust to changing circumstances.
• It’s true that our attitude towards life determines the life’s attitude towards us.
• Attitude can be our best friend & worst enemy at times.
• It’s well said “I never saw a pessimistic general win a battle”.

An institution of marriage..

The institution of marriage is a foundation of a family, which in turn is the fundamental building block of the society. Marriages are made in heaven and celebrated on earth. This belief is true to a very great extent, because it is a special bond shared between two souls, who tie the wedding knot after promising to be companions for a lifetime.Across the globe the concept of marriage remains the same, although the way of solemnizing differs. The foundation of a successful marriage is love, understanding, mutual respect, trust, commitment and togetherness.

The essence of marriage…

• Not only MARRYING the right person, but BEING the right partner.
• Be best friends as well as lovers
• Cry together as you laugh together.
• Share your secrets
• Standing together and facing the world.
• Having the capacity to forgive and forget, and then forgetting what you forgave.
• Having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
• Let commitment be a daily ritual.
• Always remember an ideal wife is any woman who has a ideal husband.
• It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
• I agree with the fact “Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal.
• Always think together than thinking alike.

How can communication help in building a strong relationship?

Good communication is the heart of every good relationship. Communication is the main ingredient to a beautiful & healthy relationship. To communicate is to exchange your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, critiques and other comments with another person. Communication is the invisible thread bonding our society. Expressions and language help us to connect with each living being

Whether it's been a wonderful or a rotten day, whether there's been a crisis or a triumph, sharing it in words makes you and your partner feel more understood, more appreciated, more loved. Here are some tips to make your relationship bloom with your good communication.

• Communication is not only talking but also listening.Somewhere I read speaking is sliver,then listening is golden
• Always make sure your body language match your words. Do not get defensive & have a positive attitude.
• Speak unarguably.Argument is the one of the worst sort of communication.
• Remember it’s very important to express your feelings in your relationship.
• Turn your complaints into requests
• In order to understand and meet each others needs, as well as to unite to overcome problems, good communication is a must.

Mistakes are the best teachers....

Someone well said…

‘Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes’

A mistake is a decision or an action that we come to regret. Mistakes causes some degree of pain, loss, adds to bad memories to our book of life. What I have learnt from life that there is no mistake in life, rather it is a lesson of life. Mistakes are gifts of life, and these gifts of life offer you a chance to explore an area where you are deficient, you need additional knowledge or need to revaluate your approach.
Some of us refuse to accept that we have done something wrong. We end up blaming someone else or the system. We blame others, justify or make excuses.

By adopting the below approaches we can handle our relationships in a more sensitive manner.

Learn to accept full responsibility of your life, acts & yourself- Whatever circumstances, misunderstandings come across learn to take responsibility. There is always an opportunity to learn even if others were wrong. Remember when you take responsibility of yourself then you become responsible for making things right. Also you learn to make better choices, avoid problems & misunderstandings in future.

Take mistakes as life’s lesson – We all are humans & we will do something which we will regret. Be open to making mistakes & taking them as life’s lesson. If you don't learn the lesson, then the mistake will repeat itself again and again in different situations.

Be proactive – Your proactive behavior can help you to avoid unnecessary blunders and help in seeking ways of improvement. Always view mistake as a useful stepping stone to higher reality & a better outlook of life.

Don’t try to be a perfectionist- There is no harm in making mistakes; it is an essential part of going forward. If you go through life afraid to make a mistake, you’ll spend most of your life doing absolutely nothing.

Apologize -If you’ve made mistakes that harm other people, it is important to offer a dignified apology. Be clear that it was an unfortunate incident that will not be repeated. A good apology can go along way to restoring trust. Do not waste time in justifying yourself.

How to build Trust……

To begin with I would like to recollect these beautiful lines…

“On the day we can fully trust each other; there will be peace on Earth.”

Trust is reliance on others; trust is the confidence, faith and the foundation of any relationship. Trust is a fragile thing in any relationship. Some tips which can help to build trust in any relationship.

Don’t be secretive –Try and be open & honest in any relationships.Always remember there is nothing like a secret. It will be revealed one day. Sometimes, a suspicious behavior might destroy trust. Be a open book.

Never judge trust in your relationship when you are angry – Sometimes anger can overpower your trust. In anger people tend to jump to and act on conclusions and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate.

Communication – Always remember that your communication along with body language makes you more reliable, clear & honest. Precisely, your words should match your body language.

Follow your words – Try & do what you say. Sometimes small things can destroy trust. A small example is you tell your partner/friend/family member that you will be home by 8:00pm.If you are going to be late, call and let him or her know ahead of time. Try & make realistic promises which you can fulfill.

Always trust yourself –A person who has trust in himself, can build trust in others also.


Remember…it takes years……... to build trust…but milliseconds to destroy it…